The Ego and Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” – Mark Twain

I am a Star Trek fan and one of the few quotes I remember from the series and follow-up movies is when Captain Kirk’s nemesis, Kahn, famously portrayed by Ricardo Montablán, told the newly promoted Admiral that “revenge was a dish best served cold.” Kahn’s ego had been festering for years. The comparison of Kahn to Captain Ahab was obvious throughout the movie “The Wrath of Kahn.” The ego has trouble letting go and in the extreme, dies with the flame of vengeance slowing burning out.

So what has this got to do with teaching and learning? Picture this – an angry teacher shows up at the door of the principal’s office and states, rather assertively, “I do not want to see Johnny in my class again!” “What has he done to warrant such a punishment?” the principal inquires. “Why he’s embarrassed me for the last time, that’s all!” One does not need an ego detector to know that it is operating on all cylinders in this situation. If the principal agrees to the teacher’s demand, Johnny has succeeded in pushing the “ego button” for the last time – he wins, while in reality losing. Likewise, the teacher wins, while in reality losing.

One of the most powerful traits of the great teachers I have known is the ability to reestablish contact with students with whom they have had an issue and had to perform some type of behavioral intervention, whether it  was a verbal desist or removal from the classroom. This is where ego awareness becomes something that can save the academic life of a child. The ego thrives on kids who struggle. It feeds on the power that comes from banishing them; from reporting them to a higher authority, or regaling their baseness in the faculty lounge.

In the article “The Power of Personal Relationships” my coauthor and I wrote about the need to send a message to the offending student that the incident is in the past; there have been consequences and we need to move on. One of the worst reactions to a child’s misdeeds is what I often heard that the student was not going to be allowed back into class unless he/she apologized to the teacher and to the rest of the class. This is the classic case where two egos are better than one. Typically, the administrator ends up mediating a lose-lose situation. The student may wind up back in class, but the damage is usually irreparable.

The ego believes that if we don’t show students that we are in control, all hell will break loose. “When we were in school, this kind of behavior wasn’t tolerated.” The ego loves “no tolerance” policies. There is no place for forgiveness there.

One of the toughest things a teacher has to do is to reestablish contact with a student who has experienced a negative adult-student interaction, especially if the intervention required the student to be removed from class. The ego wants revenge, retribution – the ego wants submission from the perpetrator.  Teachers have to recognize this – it is not the best way to help children. We need to reestablish a positive relationship by inviting that student back and letting him know that there is nothing personal about the incident and the subsequent consequences. Students need to not only know this, but to “feel” this. We have to put the incident behind us and focus on something positive.

Some who read this will feel their own ego start twitching. “What about the ego of the student,” they will retort. “Where is their responsibility?” This is not about them, it is about the teacher – the only person over whom we have control.  Dr. David Simon writes on the Chopra Center Blog, “With deepened awareness, we can make new choices, let go of habits that no longer serve us, and commit to doing something different. Remember, we have control over our choices, but not over the results of our choices.” In other words, it’s about “us” – to the ego, it’s about “them.”

Feeling the twinge, or stab, or in some cases the punch in the stomach is the beginning of ego awareness for teachers. If you felt it when you read this, and became aware that I was the enemy, the evil one, you have begun to travel down the path. Before we can grow, we need to become aware – what exactly was I feeling when I refused to take that student back into my class. The gap between stimulus and response – that’s where life is lived.

Chopra says it best, “Forgiveness is a powerful tool for personal healing and spiritual transformation, but it is a skill that must be learned. By practicing the steps for releasing toxic emotions, we can make forgiveness a functional part of our growth instead of just a moral dictate.” We need to be comfortable with forgiving our students!